I believe God called me by name

“Everybody hates me, nobody likes me, I’m going to eat some worms.”

We sang this little ditty at the top of our lungs as children. We thought it was such a funny song.

As I became a teenager, I realized that it was easy to actually think this way. Not that I would eat worms! But when things didn’t go as I had thought or planned, or I was not invited to an event, it was easy to think that nobody liked me and that everything was against me.

A lurking inferiority complex

As an adult, I realized that it was also easy to think that God was against me when things seemed to go "wrong" in my life. This doubting God’s love has plagued me for most of my life. I have used different verses to fight that have helped me get victory in specific situations, but this inferiority complex was always lurking in the background. The sneaky thing is that Satan comes as an angel of light. (2 Corinthians 11:14) He makes it seem “humble” to think that I am not liked or not good enough, or that I am not invited to different things because I don't deserve any better.

A few years ago, over a short period of time, I experienced several major events where I experienced loss, both in the form of loved ones and in the loss of the use of my right arm which also brought constant physical pain. I had the control and stubbornness to show a positive face to the others but inside I was crushed. I realized, after some time, that I had stopped believing that God loved me or cared for me at all. How could anyone who loved me let these things happen? Did God even exist? What had I done that was so bad that I deserved this kind of treatment? I felt that I was slowly being pulled into a deadly whirlpool of darkness and despair and I didn’t know how to get out. I was even losing the will to live – it was too hard and too painful and I felt so alone.

Verses written specifically for me

In the middle of this, a friend took the time to ask how I was really doing. He encouraged me and prayed for me and he gave me the verses in Isaiah 43:1-5. He made me promise to read these every single day and to put my name in there. I promised. And this is what I read:

“But now, thus says the Lord, who created you, O (Charis), and He who formed you, O (Charis):  ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine (Charis). When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flames scorch you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I gave Egypt for your ransom, Ethiopia and Seba in your place. Since you were precious in My sight, you have been honored, and I have loved you; therefore I will give men for you, and people for your life. Fear not, for I am with you; I will bring your descendants from the east, and gather you from the west.’” 

I did read these verses every single day. At first, as I read them, I was wondering who they were written for because they surely weren’t for me. But I obediently kept reading them. Slowly, by God’s grace, faith started to grow and I realized that they were written specifically just for me. God loved me, He picked me; He actually really did! Yes, there would be times where I would go through water and fire, but He would be there with me, strengthening me.

Freedom!

Then it hit me: this was my opportunity to get to the root of this giant of unbelief and inferiority that had plagued me my whole life, and really deal it a death blow. This whole situation was God’s mercy, so I could get free from the slavery and bondage and unhappiness that came with living with doubt. I had been feeling like Job, that everything was against me, but then the verse about Job in James 5:11 came to me: “Indeed we count them blessed who endure. You have heard of the perseverance of Job and seen the end intended by the Lord – that the Lord is very compassionate and merciful.”

This came as a revelation to me: do I see the end intended by the Lord? Do I see that these situations that brought me to an end of myself and my own strength, were actually the answer to my prayers that I wanted to be freed from doubt and serve God with my whole heart? These situations that I would have done anything to get out of, became the thing that saved my life. This was the end intended by the Lord.  All these things were sent from God because He loved me and wanted me to become happy and free.

But God wouldn’t make this happen magically; I had to face up to the truth and overcome these things that had bound me since my childhood. I had to fight: fight against doubt and unbelief and fight to believe in Romans 8:28. “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” God’s Word became my weapon and was the only thing that was effective against this giant of doubt. My own reasoning and thoughts were useless.

I have peace inside now, because I am finally fully convinced that God loves me; that I am precious to Him and that He is controlling and arranging every small detail of my life for my very best. I have no fear for the future, because I know that God has control of it and that He will be with me to go through whatever the future holds. I know I am not completely finished with my inferiority complex yet, but it has lost its power and control over me, so it is only a matter of time. I am so thankful for God’s Word and the power it has over darkness, and thankful for the care and prayers of men and women of God.